++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES ONE: WHODUNNIT? ::

 

Originally aired [ ITV 19/9/1995 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

A tipsy Stella is leaving the pub, she's so far gone that at her first attempt she buckles herself into the back seat! Finally finding the front seat, she's about to start the ignition when a Policeman knocks on her window. Hunting around for a mint, she instead pops a pound coin into her mouth. Needless to say, she's arrested.

 

Alison is bored as usual. Bob asks her advice on how best to win over the girl from Mr Bappy. She advises him that a big romantic gesture is needed, not just ordering a marrow and marmite bap! Her suggestions include a balloon ride (Bob's allergic to whicker, so that one's out) and a rollercoaster.

 

Stella storms into the office in a foul mood after her arrest the night before. Opening her mail, she discovers that someone in the office has photocopied their bum and sent it to one of their best clients, who wasn't amused. She calls Bob into her office, he opines that it could've been worse, it could've been a front bottom! Stella wants him to find out who's responsible so she can sack them.

 

Colin thinks that they should all try and find out what's wrong with Stella and help her. Nobody seems very keen so he decides to go first. His attempts to find out what's wrong and cheer Stella up only leave her more angry than before!

 

Bob goes to visit Darren in the basement, he shows him the photocopy and accuses Darren. Darren points out that this bottom has a mole, and as he doesn't (he's willing to show Bob as proof!) it can't be him.

 

Colin persuades Alison to try her hand at 'nurturing' by pushing her through Stella's door. Alison's attempts are even worse than Colin's as she repeatedlly insults Stella and is thrown out of her office. Bob questions Alison about the photocopy, she tells him it can't be hers as it's obviously a man's bottom.

 

When the Office is empty, Bob decides to try out photocopying his hand, his head and eventually, his bottom! Unfortunately for him, the girl from Mr Bappy chooses this moment to deliver today's bap to the office. She departs in a hurry, leaving her order book behind. Bob spots the order book, it has the name Jacinta on it. Bob is overjoyed to think he finally knows her name. He orders a bunch of flowers to be delivered to Jacinta with a note.

 

Darren is attempting to cheer Stella up by telling her a story about his how mates nicked some bollards, Stella calls Bob to come and rescue her. She storms to Dick's office and blurts out that she was arrested for drink driving. Dick welcomes her to the human race! He rings his old friend at the CPS and arranges to have any charges against Stella dropped. She feigns outrage at his intervention but quickly puts him off when he says he can always ring back if she likes.

 

Stella asks Bob if he's sorted out the bottom mystery yet. He lies and tells her it was the photocopy repair man. Stella shrugs it off and says "Well, never mind, bit of a giggle!" Jacinta arrives at the office carrying her bouquet - unfortunately it's not the girl of his dreams, who is called Sarah - she wants to know who Bob is. Bob is aghast but makes the best of the situation by taking Jacinta out for a ride on a rollercoaster!

 

Nightime in the office, and Alison is photocopying her breasts! Stella walks in, picks up the photocopies and faxes them to all their clients!

 

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

Policeman: "Do you always suck coins when you're driving madam?"
Stella: "Yes, I have a copper deficiency."

 

Alison: "Bored, bored. I'm bored, I'm bored, I'm bored!"
Bob: "Alison, you've only been here two minutes. Your coat's still moving!"

 

Alison: "Women respond to a bold romantic gesture...I didn't take Steve seriously till he took me up in a balloon"

 

Alison:"Rollercoasters are good. Suppose it's a bit like having sex."
Bob: "What you mean like being frightened? Feeling like you've started so you've got to keep going till it's all over?"
Alison:"No, the jiggling"

 

Colin: "Morning Stella! Good weekend?"
Stella: "Go somewhere and die, Colin!"

 

Colin: "I suggest we go into Stella's office, one by one, and give her a damn good nurturing!"

 

Alison: "I tried helping someone once, it wasn't really me."

 

"So, what's your problem? I'm here to be nurturing. Is there anything you want to share with me? Are you depressed about...could be so many things! Are you depressed about being so short? Is it your three disastrous marriages? Or could it be a combination of your advancing years, your tired hair and having to buy your shoes in children's departments?"

- Alison's attempts to 'help' Stella

 

Colin: "Do you know what I think Stella?"
Stella: "Random, often foolish thoughts frequently devoid of any meaning or sense?"

 

Colin (to Stella):"Right now I think there's something repulsive inside of you and I'm going to winkle it out!"

 

Stella: "This firm is so inept it makes me want to cry!"

 

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

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