++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES TWO: SOLICITORS IN LOVE::

 

Originally aired [ ITV 24/10/1996 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

Stella is in a very cheery mood, she had a date the evening before a handsome divorce lawyer and he's promised to call her today. First she has to get through the day with a staff who show little enthusiasm for their work. Bob thinks she's being a bit harsh, he had a word with Alison and Darren and they're 'showing signs of real commitment to the firm.' On cue, Alison arrives - "Oh, I had a dream this place had burnt down!" - followed by Darren who immediately goes for a fag break.

 

The only one who seems happy to be going to work is Colin. He's outside and just looking up at the office makes him so happy, he decides to twirl around à la Julie Andrews in the Sound of Music. Unfortunately, his briefcase flies out of his hand mid-twirl and goes straight through Mr Bappy's window.

 

Stella is going to conduct the appraisals for staff which are linked to their pay awards. Alison thinks you should be appraised on how goodlooking you are. Stella likes to think they're a bit more democratic which is why she gave them comments forms to fill in. Alison wants to know who is going to do Stella's appraisal, she says she'll get Dick to give her one. Bob phones Mr Bappy to try and find out if Sarah is back as he's still obsessed with her.

 

Alison is having her appraisal. She thinks she has the best hair in the office, doesn't want to have children ("I saw a video at school, it looked really uncomfortable."), is prepared to bring in some of her old magazines from home to further her contribution to the office. As Stella is in a good mood, she is going to give Alison a 10% pay rise, largely thanks to the work her estate agent boyfriend brings to the firm. Dick arrives to find only Darren in the office, he asks where everyone is and is proud when he is correctly able to translate Darrenspeak into plain English! Sarah arrives at the office looking for Bob. She wants to leave her number for him and Dick promises to memorise it. She's concerned that he's not writing it down, but he says "it's an old trick I learnt in law school. Never write anything down."

 

Stella is doing Darren's appraisal. He's rated himself at 9/10 for his work that year, she thinks he should be more realistic and suggests 0. As he got -16 last year she congratulates him on his improvement. He might even have broken through the magical zero barrier had Alison not told her that he has nicknames for all of them - what are they? Darren offers the following - Dicko, Collo, Allie, Bobcat and The Iron Lady. Stella has the real list of nicknames(see bit further down the page!), fortunatley for Darren the phone rings. Thinking it's her new boyfriend Stella gets rid of Darren quickly saying he can have a 5% payrise. As she's singing the praises of her boyfriend kissing technique she realises that it's not him on the phone at all but her father!

 

Colin tells Bob that Sarah was there and gave Dick her number for him. He races off to Dick's office. Colin has a visit from the Police, they want to take him away to talk about Mr Bappy's broken window. In the police car, Colin tries to explain about his Sound of Music moment and the policemen witness first hand just how accident prone Colin is as he breaks the window handle and then the window itself. Dick is failing miserably trying to remember the number Sarah gave him, the best he can come up with is the number for the Cones hotline. Bob is despondent. Alison tries to lift his spirits:

 

"Cheer up Bob! Love isn't everything. Maybe your one of those people who are better at other things, you know, hobbies that sort of thing? Look on the bright side, even if you had her phone number she'd probably have gone out with you once or twice, and then you'd be sitting in the pub and she'd be doing this - looking for someone else. Then she'd phone you and you'd hear those fatal words - "It's over Bob! I'll post you your woolly jumper!" Like Stella, this man she's met isn't going to phone is he? He's woken up the next morning and thought to himself 'Oh, she was rather short and tiny wasn't she? I don't think I'll bother'. Yes, let's face it, you've got to be barking mad to want to go out with a middle aged solicitor."

 

Bob pleads with Alison to stop trying to cheer him up. Colin arrives back as the Police didn't press charges. It's time for his appraisal. he'd hoped to do more criminal work but he seems to get all the cases with dead people. Stella says it's safer that way. The phone interrupts, she gets her hopes up again, but it's only the chiropodist. Colin cheerily enquires if that was her gentleman friend. In a fury, she refuses him a pay rise and throws him out of her office. Sarah returns to see Bob but she only wants him to do some cheap conveyancing for the flat she's buying with her boyfriend.

 

Stella goes for her appraisal with Dick. He reads the comments on her form and asks if the problem is a man. She says yes it is and that maybe he'd been put off by the naked lust in her eyes. Dick is intrigued to know what naked lust looks like and when Stella shows him he understands why someone would be scared! He actually knows the man that Stella met, he's an old law school chum that they used to call 'taxi' because he'd pick up any woman. A horrified Stella flees his office. As she storms through the main office, Bob comments that she still hasn't given him his appraisal. Giving Bob some rather harsh words and a pay cut, she slams into her office. Later that evening outside a cinema, Bob is looking at the list of films when Stella arrives. She apologises for her earlier behaviour and Bob says that they've both had bad days. Would she like to go for dinner? They talk about loneliness and are just about to kiss when Colin appears. He often visits the cinema just to chat to people! Stella thanks Colin for being even more tragic than they are and they all go off for a meal.

 

What did they write on their appraisal forms?

 

Alison writes in the "Any other comments" section: "I hate working here. It's boring. Very irritating people. The work drives me mad. I feel trapped somebody rescue me. Look at Bob, he's wearing his scary trousers. My chair squeaks. Please somebody shoot Colin."

 

Stella in the 'Ambitions' column: "To emigrate to a country where the men crouch snivelling and nude under damp stones."
Stella in the "Any other comments?" section: "What do I know? This is a man's world and I'm only a bloody woman. Only a bloody woman. That's all I am!"

 

Darren's nicknames for the staff

 

	on good days	on bad days
Dick	Mr Golf	Snoots
Alison	Tottie	Minge
Bob	Lopez	Flaphead
Colin	Lurch	Banger
Stella	Piglet	Bastard

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

Stella: "What I've got to do today is run a firm who show as much interest in the law as Saddam Hussein does in Hounslow donkey sanctuary."

 

Alison: "I think people should be paid according to how attractive and sexy they are."

 

Colin: "But under your scheme Alison, if you had an ugly haircut or a sudden boil say, you'd have to give some of your salary back wouldn't you? I suppose there could be on the spot fines if you slip below."
Bob: "Let it go, Colin."

 

Stella: "Alison, what qualities do you think you bring to the firm?"
Alison (thinks for a while): "I've got the best haircut."
Stella: "Yes, so how do you see the future for you and your award winning hair?"

 

Policeman:" I'm afraid I must ask you to go with us to the station."
Colin: "Why? Are we meeting someone off a train?"

 

Dick: "Keith Trimlett. We were at law school together. We used to call him 'taxi' because he'd pick up anyone as long as he didn't have to go south of the river."

 

Stella: "You're dozy, lovesick, pathetic and irritating. We're cutting your salary by 55%, any questions?!"
Bob: "Yes, that was very much in line with my expectations."

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

Site design and all original content ©KInet 2004-10