++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES THREE: POLISHING THE MOUSE::

 

Originally aired [ C4 4/11/1998 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

In one of the best episodes of the series we see a good deal of tension, all of it based on sex of one sort or another – going on Colin’s classifications the “boy-girl” type plays an important part, but “just boy” creates the most hilarity.

 

This edition starts off with an on-the-ball meeting about the firm’s business, getting things resolved. Unfortunately for them, the excitement becomes too much for Alison who breaks the flow with “I’m sorry. Is anyone going to say anything interesting?” Stella suggests that this level of interest is to be expected at a Solicitor’s, and perhaps she might instead like to “…join a motorcycle display team, or run with the bulls in Pamplona…”. Stella also takes the opportunity to tell Alison not to park in the disabled spaces. Alison fails to see the logic of this reprimand “have you noticed though how they always get the best spaces, nearest the shops?”– she thinks that they need the exercise, otherwise they’ll “…just give up”. The meeting has ground to a halt so Stella wraps things up by mentioning that she’s been with the firm for 20 years. Colin has the best/only idea for a celebration with “buns with icing on?”

 

Colin tries in vain to organise a whip-round for Stella’s 20th anniversary. Stella and Bob make semi-lame excuses for leaving the office independently at lunch time – on questioning about his attendance at the local gym Bob qualifies himself by saying that “ I have my own hook”. Yes, Bob. After they leave, the main action of the programme is initiated when Darren goes to “fine tune Stella’s computer”. Meanwhile, at the “most unpopular restaurant in Hounslow”, Stella and Bob are anxious about whether or not to consummate their passion. They decide to, but tentatively.

 

Colin bursts in on Darren in Stella’s office, though Darren does not hear or see him. Colin is in horrified embarrassment but fails to hide his shock from Alison, who guesses that something is amiss. Colin says that Darren is having a “private moment at the computer”, though then says that Darren may have been “polishing his mouse”. One of the funniest short exchanges of the programme then ensues, where Kate Isitt almost looks as though she is laughing out of character.

 

Stella reacts Alison finds it necessary to tell Stella about the event in her office, in a typically off-hand manner “Colin saw Darren playing with himself at your desk.”
“Was this re-arranging himself outside his trousers, or enjoying himself more…proactively?”
“His hand was a blur, apparently. If that helps”
“Yes, thank you, that’s fine”
“Shall I tell Darren he’s being fired for gross indecency?”
“No, thank you Alison.”
Stella maintains a mature air, until Alison leaves, whereupon she lurches up from her desk in disgust and fervently cleans the front of it.

 

On returning to the office, Bob is further quizzed about his gym activity, but demonstrates both that he is unaware of which muscles are what in the body – he is toning up “the Del boys down the sides”, but also undermines himself by showing that he has not been into a gym since he left school. Stella tells Colin that she knows what Darren was up to in her office, only able to describe it as “engaged in…well you know”. She goes on 70s Bob and Stellato say that they “…can’t allow him to gratify himself willy nilly”. Colin likens the temptation Darren felt to buying a Crunchie, though Stella is not convinced of this. Either way, Colin attempts to talk to Darren, though after a reasonably subtle broaching of the subject, concerning the different types of sex – boy-girl, boy-boy, girl-girl, (when Darren adds “girl-boy-girl”). Darren cottons on to the topic of conversation when Colin adds to the list “ and there’s another type isn’t there, just ‘boy’?” Darren tries to divert the conversation, though Colin persists, through the arrival and explanation of the post-it note shark. Colin pretends to Stella that the conversation went better than it had, though Stella sees straight through him with her razor-sharp eye for people’s behaviour. She tells Bob he’ll have to do it instead – asserting her authority after just having spoken to him about their planned lovemaking, and sacrificed helping her elderly mother so she would be free during that evening for a consumation. Bob fails completely to broach the subject with Darren, changing the topic of his only sentence half way through into one that gives him the impression that he will be paid more. Stella then attempts to tell Darren, but the tension she feels is palpable, and so when an elastic band that Darren is fiddling with hits her inBob makes time for a bun the eye - “it just went off in my hand” - the tension is released by her screeming at him to get out.

 

Buns arrive while everyone is in the main office, and Colin expresses his dismay at the poor contribution to Stella’s 20th anniversary present/celebration fund. Stella rings Alison on the intercom, but as she has her hands full, Speaker-phone is used instead and Stella’s private thoughts are broadcast to the entire office:

 

“Alison? Colin and Bob are too feeble to spit it out so will you tell Darren to stop wanking in the office. The last thing this firm needs is Mr bloody Whippy the office boy, with a permanent marquee in his trousers, thank you.”

 

Needless to say Darren is deeply embarrassed by this, and dashes from the room shortly before Stella emerges from her office. She gauges what has happened and so can only manage a shrill “So, how are we doing?”

 

Much later in the day, when the others have left, Bob goes into Stella’s office. They speak briefly about their mutual empathy for Darren’s embarrassment, mainly because of the passion they feel for one another. They then proceed to attempt to remove each other’s clothes hap-hazardly. They are cuddled together, after it, later on when Colin comes in, though he fails to spot them until he’s put up a banner and enlarged photo of Stella from some years before. Colin looks embarrassed ( he seems to be making a habit of finding people in compromising positions ), but the question is can he keep his mouth shut this time?

 

This review written by Sam F.

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

Darren comes out of Stella’s office after his ‘private moment’. Alison is reading a book and Colin is doing some paperwork.
Darren: Oh hi.
Alison: (pointedly) Hello. Finished?
Darren: (oblivious to her meaning) Yeah. (on his way out of the room) Oh by the way Col, has the second post come?
Colin: No, nothing’s come. (looks shamefully embarrassed, head in hands)
Darren leaves, and Alison is falling about laughing.

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

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