++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES THREE: A QUESTION OF PANTS::

 

Originally aired [ C4 28/10/1998 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

Stella is talking to the staff, just because she's the only senior partner now doesn't mean she's become the big ogre. She wants them to remember that she's a human being first and a solicitor second. Bob says that he popped round to see Dick yesterday, he said early retirement is the best thing he's ever done. He didn't actually see Dick, he shouted that to him through the letter box. Stella is going to invite them to her office, one-by-one, for a relaxed and democratic exchange of views. Alison jumps in saying she needs to be paid more, Darren chimes in : "I'm having Dick's old office." Forgetting her new relaxed regime, Stella replies with 'Are you bollocks!"

 

Bob is first to give his opinions on what changes he'd like to see. He'd like the office to break free from the vicious circle of tea-buns-more tea and thinks that maybe individual boxes of raisins may be the answer. Stella is making notes and confides in Bob that she thinks she can really do things with the firm now that Dick's gone but she'll need Bob's help. As she's talking she's waving her pen around and has unknowingly smeared ink all over her top lip. Bob is unsure whether to tell her or not, so instead mentions that he's taken the liberty of buying a cork bulletin board for when he moves into Dick's office. Stella tells him that she's already told Colin that he can have the office. He is a partner - albeit by a tragic accident of birth - and she needs Bob in the office to police the others. Bob is less than impressed and storms out of the office. Colin is packing his things in a box, he tells Bob that he can visit him in his new office but Bob shouts at him so he leaves. Alison thinks that she should have the office as she's got the best hair. An angry Bob suggests they give the office to football commentator John Motson as he obviously deserves it more than him as well. Alison goes to do some photocopying. Darren, who has been watching her every move, tries to get Bob's attention, he wants to talk about whether Alison is wearing any knickers. Bob is keen to change the subject but Darren has made a study of Alison's underwear over the years and is certain she isn't wearing any, but he needs to know for certain!

 

Cards on the table time. Colin is admiring his new office when he's summoned to Stella's office for their 'relaxed and democratic chat.' Stella now has even more ink on her face from her leaky pen, Colin notices but doesn't say anything. Stella tells Colin that she gets the impression that she scares him and she wants him to be able to say anything to her. She tells him to relax, make himself at home, so he sits next to her on the desk. Colin's idea for changes are as useful as Bob's he thinks Stella shouldn't do that silly laugh anymore and everyone hates the way she bustles around the office.

 

Alison is filing. Darren is staring at her behind. He tells her she looks different today and she tries to guess what it might be - new shoes, earrings, make-up, top, accessories? Alison asks if anyone is going to tell Stella about the ink on her face, Bob thinks he's missed his chance and it's too late now. Darren blurts out :"I'm not wearing any pants! Has anyone else ever done that?" Bob and Alison ignore him. He pretends to drop something on the floor in front of Alison but Bob stops him from picking it up! Alison leaves to take some files to Colin. Bob tells Darren to stop staring at Alison, it's up to her whether she does or doesn't wear 'netherwear'. Darren says if he doesn't find out soon he's going to explode. Bob tells him the story of how his wife Virginia likes him because he didn't ogle her the way other men did. He saw her as a whole person. Darren apologises and Bob says he's proud of him. Alison returns and Darren asks her if she's wearing any knickers! Alison says how much does he want to know, for £500 she'll show him if she is or not! Darren is keen to get the money and asks Bob to lend it to him. Bob refuses, he reminds him that £500 is a lot of money, he could buy a set of encyclopedias or maybe a nice shelf unit with that Piece offering money instead? Darren is undeterred and goes to Colin to see if he can get the money from him instead.

 

Bob confronts Alison. He wants to use the 'W' word to describe her, she infuriates him even further by pretending not to know what he means, leading him to yell 'WHORE!' at her repeatedly. Unfortunately, Stella chooses that moment to see a client out of the office. Stella has even more ink on her face, she asks if everything is ok and they say yes. Bob asks Alison if she realises how much £500 is to someone like Darren. He tells her the story of the widows might - she doesn't understand the point of the story and neither does Bob really! Alison says that she is teaching Darren a valuable lesson, he should be paying her, Bob points out that he is and Alison storms out the office.

 

Darren has told Colin that he wants the £500 to buy a puppy and Colin is happy to lend it to him, but Bob stops him before he can leave with Colin's cash card. Bob is still fuming about Colin getting the office, Colin tries to make amends (even offering him a piece of paneling that fell off when he touched one of the walls) but Bob is having none of it.

 

Alison is having her interview with Stella. She tells her that she hates the way she says 'see you later' in that silly voice. Unable to avoid noticing all the ink on Stella's face, she asks Stella if her pen is new. Stella says that Dick gave it to her, it was leaking earlier but seems to be okay now! She reads back Alison's list of complaints from her notes, it's a long list and most of them are personal comments about Stella. Alison says that she did ask her to be frank and open and sighing, Stella agrees that she did. As she looks out of her window, she notices Darren holding an office stationary sale in the street below. Turning to Alison she tells her that she puts up with a lot but she will not have people not taking her seriously, is that clear? Alison struggles to keep a straight face. Whilst Colin is trapped in a cupboard in his office (don't ask!), Darren sneaks in to take his cash card.

 

Darren is next for his meeting with Stella. Stella is running through his suggestions, no.19 is that all bins are to have basketball hoops and no. 20 is a trip to a bouncy castle every Wednesday. Stella asks him about the office stationary sale and warns him about his behaviour by telling him she's considering stabbing him with her paper knife! Desperate to get away from them all, she leaves the office for lunch. Bob almost tells her about the ink on her face, but doesn't. Colin is still trapped in his cupboard and Darren sneaks back in to put back his cash card! He returns to the office and shows Alison the money. She tells him that she can't, it wouldn't be fair. Bob thanks her. Darren pleads with her that it would be fair, so she takes the money and leads him to the Conference room. Bob tries to peak through the blinds to see what's happening but they're quickly closed. Colin has managed to escape from his cupboard and has decided to move back into the office. Alison and Darren leave the conference room, Darren has a blissful look on his face! Stella storms back into the office and thanks them all for not telling her about the ink. She's decided to go with a different approach to Office management and instructs Alison to go out and buy her a bar of galaxy and a copy of Vogue; asks Colin to find her a sherry; and gets Darren to look at the floor and then shoves the photocopier tray down on his head! She summons Bob to her Office and says anyone who doesn't like her new approach is out on their arse!

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

Stella: "We all loved Dick, but he was smug, vague about the law, slightly musty, unsure of our names and often drunk!"

 

Colin: "So, Stella, going back to what kind of solicitors you want. I supposed you're saying that if this firm were a fruit, we'd want it to be a funny old bendy banana, rather than an unforgiving pear."
Stella: "Well at last! Someone's said something sensible!"
Colin: "If it were an animal it would be a friendly, chatty penguin."
Bob: "Let it go, Colin."

 

Stella: "So Bob, what changes would you like to see?"
Bob: "I'd really like to see us, as an office, break free from the vicious circle of tea, leading to buns, leading to more tea."

 

Darren: "I know Ali's knickers off by heart, I've studied them over the years. She's got the type that tuck up under..."
Bob: "Thank you Darren!"
Darren: "I know what you're thinking, she must be wearing a g-string, but she's got one of those and if you really stare you can always see a little ridge at the back, but there's no ridge there today."
Bob: "Well, maybe it's been given it's own office!"

 

Colin: "Stella. Hi! How's your office? Mine's great! I can see Tescos from the window!"

 

Bob: "Quite apart from the issue of sexual harassment, how would you like it if Alison was obsessed with your underwear?"
Darren: "That'd be great! It's one of my ambitions."

 

Bob: "I haven't listened to Radio 4's 'Money Box' programme recently, but I doubt whether lending you £500 so you can find out whether Alison is wearing knickers or not qualifies as an investment!"

 

Stella: "Thank you for your comments, Alison. So, I have a silly laugh, I wear embarrassing boots, my nose sometimes whistles, I make a 'mwah mwah' noise when I kiss Brian Whigg, my hair makes me look like a lemur and I'm so short it makes you want to slap me."
Alison: "You asked me to be frank and open!"

 

Stella (talking to Darren): "Okay, one of the options I'm considering now and I suppose, technically, it is a departure from my new liberal regime, is to thrust this paperknife into your thigh. How do you feel about that?"

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

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