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++ GUIDES ++

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES TWO: HOUNSLOW FM ::

Originally aired [ ITV 31/10/1996 ]

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

The staff are in the conference room. Stella is outlining details of her current cases, including Mr Dineage who is in trouble for causing malicious damage to his neighbour's gazebo. Alison asks for the spelling of gazebo. Bob reports that they've decided to decorate the staff loo in Dawn Meringue, they all stop to spell 'meringue' for Alison. Stella tells Bob that if he was more assertive he'd have qualified as a top class solicitor. He's trying to be more assertive he says, but just ignore him, he's muttering again. Colin is doing the holiday schedule for the firm and tells them he'll be around to see them all later. Dick arrives, he's missed the staff meeting due to a call from a friend at Hounslow FM. He wants him to fill in for the bloke who does the law advice spot. The others look concerned at the thought of Dick giving people law advice. Stella asks Bob to have a word with him, commenting that Dick thinks Bob is a softy - "He finds them irritating, it's why he's always wanted to punch Harry Secombe." Alison says she'll tell Dick, do they want her to make him cry as well?

Colin is explaining his India trip to Darren who isn't particularly interested. Darren is going to Barnet - where there's a wicked place where you can shoot things and blow 'em up. He's going the last week in August. Colin had asked everyone to keep August free as he needs the whole month for his India trip - he's been saving his holidays especially. Darren says he has to go then as Chester, the top bloke on his estate, is going then. Reluctantly Colin adjusts his map of India and says he'll just have to come back a week earlier instead. Altho he will miss the festival of Golden Shoes now.

Dick is in his office practicing his radio technique. Alison has brought him 'some things to sign' so he asks her to pretend to be a caller to the radio show so he can practice. Alison gives him one legal problem after another and he can't answer any of them!

Colin is now boring Stella with talk of his India trip. She tells him he needs to be back by August 19th as she has a tennis holiday booked in Portugal. She did tell him about this, they had a discussion in the office about whether she was too old to wear a headband. Colin is heartbroken, another week of his holiday has gone. Alison interrupts them to tell Stella that Mr Dineage is on the phone wanting to speak to her, his neighbour's struck back. She doesn't know any more because he sounded upset so she stopped listening as he was annoying her. Bob goes to see Dick about the radio slot. Dick tells him that he can't go on the radio but maybe Bob should instead?

Back in the office, Bob is trying out his radio patter - "Bob's the name, law's the game!". He asks Alison if she think he should 'push himself forward more', but she likes him as he is - dull and quivery. Bob thinks he should go on the radio, he'd be striking a blow for all the quiet people. It could possibly be the start of a tentative revolution. Alison tells him to do it or shut up. Dick is in his office reading up on European law. Colin wants to discuss his holiday plans and suggests the middle of July. Dick tells him that he always goes away to play golf in Scotland the second week in August. Colin explains that that's the only time he can get away on his India trip because it's the only time his friend Mrs Finch can dog-sit for Tucker! Dick tells Colin that if anyone from Hounslow FM rings he's not going on. Colin thinks that's a shame as he has a nice voice. Dick confesses he's been working on a catchphrase - Confused? Call Dick! He decides to make his radio debut. At Mr Dineages, Stella arrives to find that his neighbour has painted the word SOD on the front of his house. Stella rings Alison to say she'll be a bit late but that she will do the radio appearance.

Bob and Stella are both practicing their radio patter. Bob tells Stella that Dick has asked him to go on the radio for him. Stella tries to make him back out by saying he's not a qualified member of staff. Back in the office, Colin is tippexing out most of his plans on his map of India. He consults Alison about her holiday plans. She tells Colin that he can't possibly have a whole week off in August as that's Steve's birthday and he's taking her to Paris to buy a skirt - "Only the french know how to get the best out of a bottom, don't you agree?" Stella tells Darren that Mr Dineage could use someone to clean the graffiti off his house if he wants to make a bit of money but "Feelings are running high, so I'd rather you said no if he offers you a tenner to go around and head butt his neighbour." Colin manages to catch Bob to ask him about his holiday plans. He says he'll fit in with everyone else as long as he can get the long weekend off at the start of the month of August to go to his uncle's retirement do. Colin is in despair, no holiday for him this year!

Stella and Bob are shocked - Dick is reading law books! The three of them argue over who is going to go on the radio show. Colin comes to ask them something but is shooed out and told that they mustn't be interrupted at all until they get this sorted.

Alison is taking a call from Hounslow FM, they want to speak to Dick. Remembering their words, Colin takes the call instead. Dick, Bob and Stella have finally come to an agreement about the radio show, but they're too late. Alison tells them that the radio station needed to bring the law slot forward, and as they weren't to be interrupted Colin has gone off to do the show! They listen to the show and Colin gets off to a good start but it doesn't last! Darren arrives back, suspiciously he has red paint on his hand, Mr Dineage had paid him to paint GIT on the front of his neighbours house.

:: QUOTES? ::

Colin: "Holidays. There's nothing more enjoyable than a holiday in the sun or at some sort of outdoor camp is there?"
Alison: "You're not like most people, are you Colin?"

Stella: "Bob, go into Dick's office and tell him he'll ruin the office's reputation if he goes on the radio."
Bob: "Why me?"
Stella: "Because you irritate him anyway so you've got nothing to lose."
Alison: "I'll do it. I'm good at delivering bad news. Do you want me to make him cry too or just let him know he'll be crap on the radio?"
Stella: "No, just let him know."

Alison: "Is that the so-called legal expert?"
Dick:"Well, yes, what can I do for you?"
Alison: "My husband's stopped my maintenance payments and I don't know whether to sue him through the magistrate's court or apply for a maintenance enforcement order."
Dick: "Well, yes, that's quite, um, technical. Ask me another!"
Alison: "I killed my husband this morning with the toaster..."
Dick: "You didn't did you?!"
Alison: "Am I allowed to use PMT as a legal defence, or did I read that was ruled inadmissible recently by the Law Lords?"
Dick: "I don't think we want to discuss ladies collywobbles in front of the listeners!"
Alison: "You don't know, do you?"
Dick: "OK, I'm sorry caller that's all we've got time for!"

Colin: "We never went abroad as a family. My Mother panics if she gets more than 10 miles from a branch of M&S."

Dick: "I suppose I have to admit that although I'm a top-drawer solicitor, my forte isn't the law."

Bob: "Alison, do you think I should push myself forward a bit more?"
Alison: "Won't that squash your stomach against your desk?"
Bob: "I'm talking about in life."
Alison: "No, I quite like the way you sit there all dull and quivery."
Bob: "I'm not quivery! I'm modest and reticent."
Alison: "No, you're dull and quivery, really."
Bob: "I'm not! Have you never heard the phrase 'the meek shall inherit the earth'?"
Alison: "Yes, but it doesn't say the quivery shall inherit the earth does it?!"

Dick: "Did you know that you're not allowed to smack your kids in Sweden? I suppose you'd have to put them in the car, all drive to the border, give them a bit of a slap in Norway and then drive back. Seems a bit callous."

:: GALLERY ::