++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES ONE: DICK'S HOUSE OF HORROR ::

 

Originally aired [ ITV 26/9/1995 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

Alison is intrigued by Bob's secretive behaviour over a list he's working on. She creates a diversion by setting fire to her wastepaper basket, and whilst Bob is frantically trying to put out the fire, she casually sits at his desk to read what he's been writing. It's a list of things he would say to Sarah if he had the chance. Alison advises him to drop the 'Can I just say you have amazing baps' line.

 

Stella is doing a review of Colin's performance so far. She has a few niggles - he's killed a client, caused emotional distress to another and used a priceless document to stir his coffee. She asks him to try and be less incompetent in the future. Bob enters the office with Darren's birthday card for Stella to sign. She wonders who's idea it was to start the birthday tradition. Bob reminds her that she started the idea as a way of encouraging the junior staff. She signs the card. "Happy Birthday Darren, don't hesitate if you ever want to leave the firm." Stella asks Bob if the conveyancing for Dick's new house is done, he says it's all taken care of. In the main office Bob finds Mr Arnold waiting for him, the man who was supposed to have done the conveyancing for Dick's house...except he didn't, he made it up! Bob is frantic and tells Mr Arnold that he'll have to go back to the house and do the survey now, Dick is supposed to be completing the purchase that day!

 

Stella wakes up a sleepy Alison and asks her to retype that morning's letters, this time in English! Back in her office, Dick has arrived. he's made a scale model of his new house and is very excited. Stella asks him to have a word with Alison, she thinks she's using the office as a bedroom between raves.

 

Mr Arnold calls Bob to tell him he can't get back into the house. Colin offers to go to the house to assist Mr Arnold. Darren comes up to the office and mentions it's his birthday but Bob is too preoccupied to care. Dick is trying to give Alison some words of encouragement, but she's fast asleep, only waking when he's finished. Colin gets Mr Arnold into the house, distracting the owner by stealing his car.

 

Alison is asleep at her desk, head propped up by a pile of books. Stella sweeps the books out from under her and gives her a lecture. If she doesn't shape up she's going to fire her. Alison hits the coffee and caffeine pills and goes on a tidying frenzy, the more pills she pops the more frenzied she gets! Bob asks Stella's advice about Sarah. She tells him not to make a fool of himself.

 

Darren is now walking round with a huge 'It's my birthday' badge on. He eventually gets noticed and is given his card. Unfortunately, Bob has forgotten a present so he gives Darren the nearest things to hand in his desk drawer - a Banana and anchovy bap and a hole punch.

 

Dick asks everyone in for a sherry to celebrate his new house purchase - except for Darren who hasn't been forgiven for the revolting Bristol cream incident. Colin reassures Bob that Dick's house isn't going to fall down, but when Bob checks the paperwork he discovers that Colin didn't check the search enquiries from the Council...

 

At night, Bob clears out all the baps he's hidden around the office. Alison is crashed out in a corner by her desk, Bob covers her with her coat. Sarah arrives, she'd been worried because Bob hadn't ordered anything that day so she's brought him a bap. We learn that Bob can't actually eat the baps because of a yeast allergy. As she leaves he calls after her : "May I just say you have amazing baps" Alison wakes in the corner and thanks him!

 

At Dick's housewarming everyone is gathered in the garden. Dick is making a speech when he's drowned out by the noise of a helicopter landing. As food and guests are windswept, he glares at Bob and Colin who comments: "Did we forget to mention that helicopter service next door, very handy!"

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

"Hi Sarah, my name's Bob! I'm a cancer, what are you? Do you think, as I do, that western civilisation has lost it's way. Perhaps we could discuss it over a pancake?"

- Alison reading Bob's list of 'Things to say to Sarah'

 

"Well, if you're thinking of asking her out, I wouldn't advise 'Hello. Can I just say you have amazing baps!"

- Alison's advice to Bob

 

Stella: "On your first day you accidentally stabbed an elderly client through the forehead with your paperknife didn't you?"
Colin: "Yes, yes I did"
Stella: "And the following week you misunderstood the word 'in testate' and accidentally advised a grieving widow that her husband had died having no testicles."
Colin: "Yes, that was me."
Stella: And later on that week you rolled up a valuable 15th century title deed and used it to stir your coffee, accidentally."
Colin: "It's so easy to do!"
Stella:"Colin, will you do one thing for me? In future will you try to be less incompetent?"

 

Dick: "Stella, you know what it's like to hold the future in your hands."
Stella: "Oh, I haven't heard that line since my first husband unzipped himself in the middle of Saturday Night Fever!"

 

Stella: "Alison, you have a job here because your boyfriend is an estate agent, and in these difficult times frankly solicitors would rather submit to a public flogging that offend them. If you are not alert for the rest of the day, I will sack you and give you a reference so damning that not only will employers refuse to employ you, they'll want to strap you to a desk and slap you till you bleed! Is that clear enough?"

 

"Conveyancing's bollocks isn't it? I hate solicitors. You shouldn't need them. I hate them even though I work for one. That's the irony! Kind of weird. Weird!!"

- Alison gets thoughtful after too much caffeine

 

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