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++ GUIDES ++

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES ONE: DEATH IN HOUNSLOW::

Originally aired [ ITV 12/9/1995 ]

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

It's Colin's first day at Lotus, Spackman and Phelps solicitors. He's full of enthusiasm for the job and appears to be more than a little accident-prone! Stella Phelps is making sure that Alison, the firm's secretary, welcomes Colin to the firm properly.

Stella: "What are we not going to do?"
Alison: "Lure him into the snakepit of our cynicsm"
Stella: "And what are we going to do?"
Alison: "Suck on the lollipop of his enthusiasm"
Stella: "Well remembered!"

She reminds Alison that she's only employed by the firm because her Estate Agent boyfriend Steve puts a lot of conveyancing work their way! Bob is obsessed with the girl from Mr Bappy, the sandwich shop below the office. He orders a bap each day just so he can see her. Today he's ordered an Aubergine and Marmalade bap - Bob never eats them, just puts then in a drawer in his desk.

Dick palms off a case of dog custody on Stella. The dog, Malcolm doesn't seem particularly interested in living with either of his owners and runs off, getting knocked down by a truck. Colin accidentally impales his first client, Mr Dobson, on the paperknife set that his parents gave him! Paramedics arrive to take Colin and Mr Dobson to the hospital but Mr Dobson is DOA. Mr Dobson was about to sign a will leaving £20,000 worth of bonds to the firm, but did he sign it before he died? And to top the day off, Alison shreds documents for a boxer's plastic surgery case that Stella wanted copied as she's in court for that afternoon!

Colin, Bob and Alison desperately try to put the file back together but can't replace a photo of the client's nose. Colin finds a picture in a book that bares a resemblance to the client so they put that in instead. Unfortunately, they've replaced photos of tall, black boxer with pictures of a small, white boxer. Dick wants Alison and Darren to sign Mr Dobson's will. Alison says that would be illegal and wrong, so he offers them £50 and they both sign. He then offers Darren more money to forge Mr Dobsons signature.

The bonds Mr Dobson was leaving to the firm were in the file that Alison shredded. Bob says he has no choice but to resign. Alison tells him he's given his life to the firm, why should he resign. Bob comments that one of them will have to resign, Alison asks for his parking space when he's gone. Bob offers his resignation to the partners. Stella won't accept it. Dick just calls him a bastard! The episode ends with Colin collecting Malcolm the dog from the vets.

:: QUOTES? ::

Stella: "This is Alison. She romped home in this years Hounslow and District Most Bored Secretary awards."

- Stella introduces Alison to Colin

Bob: "Do you want 'If you're tired of London, bugger off then' or 'I heart bandicoots'?"
Alison: "Bugger"

- Bob offering Alison a choice of coffee mugs

"Marriage is like being repeatedly stabbed but without the excitement" - Stella

Paramedic: "Face? Paperknife? Bleeding?"
Bob: "No, Lotus, Spackman and Phelps"

- Bob is not yet aware of Mr Dobson's meeting with Colin's paperknife set ;)

"Still, a repulsive disfiguring scar doesn't really matter at that age does it?"

- Alison shows concern for Mr Dobson's plight.

"Serial divorcee, past her prime, propping up a joke law firm, have a friggin' sherry!"

- Stella is unimpressed with Dick's show of concern.

"Jane Seymour's hair is a disaster. Much too brown!"

- Bob tries to cover up the shredder incident using Alison's copy of Hello.

"I only really come alive in the evenings."

- Alison explains to Bob why she's really not interested in her job.

"You should do what I do whenever I'm tense, go to Disney World!"

- Alison advises Bob on stress management

"3 people grinning, why does that frighten me?" - Stella

"Oh, when you're gone, can I have your parking space?"

- Alison's response to Bob's comment that one of them will have to resign.

:: GALLERY ::