++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES TWO: DARREN'S REVENGE ::

 

Originally aired [ ITV 14/11/1996 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

Everyone is trying to get to grips with the new computers. Despite being the only one who knows anything about them, Darren has been forbidden to go anywhere near the machines by Stella. Colin is squinting at his monitor and moving it farther away from him, until he almost moves it off the back of his desk. Bob is struggling to work out what the mouse is for. Stella arrives and asks if everyone is ok with the new PC's. The tuition fees for staff training alone could've put 5 small boys through Eton. When she sees Bob trying to work out what the mouse is and Alison's less than technical explanation, she despairs. Dick arrives and asks if they work, Stella replies: "Yes, when they're not eating buns and reading Hello!"

 

In his office, Dick is moving his monitor off the desk and into his globe drinks cabinet. As he puts the monitor down, he shrieks with pain, his back has gone. He manages to phone Alison for help. She brings Colin, Darren and Bob with her to see what the fuss is about and all are less than helpful. Stella arrives. Dick informs her that she'll have to do his lunchtime schmoozing at the golf club with a potential new client.

 

Still trying to work out his computer, Bob comments that computers are dehumanising. He can't imagine Shakespeare would have written Hamlet if he'd had to use a computer. Colin agrees but says that the script would probably have been neater. Alison chimes in : "Yes, and he could have changed the names after he'd written it, you know, using find and replace, and called Hamlet something more believable like, you know, Steve." Bob is less than impressed. Stella is leaving the office to go to her business lunch. She leaves instructions that if Brian Whigg should call, she's written a threatening letter to Poppy Dorset of the Garden Pond Association. No-one is listening, they're all staring at their monitors. She declares that pants and knickers will be worn outside of clothing from April next year. Still no response.

 

Dick rings through to the office, he wants someone to go in and give him a massage. Bob pretend to be typing furiously so Colin has to go instead. Bob is still trying to work out the mouse! Darren shows him what to do, he even gets the computer to talk to him. Bob and Alison are impressed.

 

At the golf club, Stella is shoveling her dinner down. David, the potential client, is boorish and she's finding it hard not to react. He continually makes personal comments, particularly about her height...or lack of it. Stella is motioning that she'd like to stab him, whilst he orders a brandy. David is in no hurry and wants to play a round of golf. Stella goes to 'freshen up' and rings Dick for advice. He says that she'll have to stay and play the round of golf and just let him win. Stella reluctantly agrees but gets him to send Colin for back-up. Colin is relieved to get away from the office!

 

Darren is showing Bob and Alison all the stuff he can do on computers - screen savers, animal noises, guessing passwords, hacking into files.... He hacks into one of Stella's files. It's a 'To do' list: 1. Ask Brian Whigg out to lunch 2. Buy new shower cap and 3. Fire Darren. Bob tries to console Darren by saying it could mean fire him with a new enthusiasm, oomph, verve. Alison says it means sack him or it would have said 'consider firing Darren' or 'fire Darren, perhaps'. Bob asks her to stop being so unhelpful. She tells Darren that he should go and get a job with computers anyway as he's good at it....and is obviously a bit of an anorak! Darren says he can't work with computers as he gets headaches if he stares at screens for too long - that's why he couldn't be an air traffic controller. Bobs says that they'll work something out but Darren isn't convinced and he leaves.

 

On the golf course, David is now insulting Colin - making fun of his hair. Stella and Colin are both useless at golf but David turns out to be even worse. Stella tells Colin not to rise to the bait. Colin: "But he keeps going on about my hair. What's wrong with it?" Stella: "Nothing. It's lovely. Tho' it is rather a shock of hair isn't it?"

 

Back at the office, Bob's screen keeps bleating at him, Colin's is meowing and Alison's is cooing and has a pigeon running across it. Dick rings through and calls Bob to his office, he wants to know if his monitor should be croaking like a frog and, oh, could Bob give him a back rub? Bob is aghast - he's never touches a man's back before!

 

Over at the golf course, Stella and Colin are waiting by a bunker whilst David tries to hit his ball out. He's still throwing insults at Colin. Finally, he gets his ball out of the bunker, Stella and Colin run with it and move it right next to the pin. Stella asks David when they can expect to receive some work from him. David tells them that he's not giving them his business, he has a friend who does all that for him, besides, if they can't beat him at golf then they can't have much of a killer instinct. Colin and Stella see red, they throw his golf bag at him and knock him back into a bunker!

 

The office sounds like a zoo. Bob pleads with Darren to sort it out just as Alison's computer says "4.15. Slap Alison". Bob tells Darren that he will do everything he can to dissuade Stella from sacking him. Darren sorts out the computers. He says he could be useful now, he could fix them - be the new in house computer master. Colin and Stella arrive back. Stella tells Darren to get away from the computers, Bob tries to get her to listen but she tells him to shut up. Dick comes into the office to see how they did at the business luncheon. Colin tells him that they beat up the potential client and behaved like 'mad people'. As Darren leaves the office he sets of his program again and then computers come alive with the noise of pigeons, cats, frogs, sheep and all. They all try to call him back!

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

Colin: "Ah, it's exciting isn't it? Computers. The computer age. The planet in a box. Cyberspace. Booting up your mega floppy. World wide web world."
Stella: "What are you talking about?"
Colin: "I don't know!"

 

Bob(picks up mouse): "What does this do?"
Alison: "It makes the floaty stick thing waggle about."
Bob: "Oh!"
Stella: "Yes, I thought it might be a bit like putting Wallace and Grommit in charge of a speeding ferrari!"

 

Bob: "Oh yes! Steve, Prince of Denmark. Marvellous! And he could've called King Lear, King Dwayne with his three daughters: Nicky, Mandy and Heather in Accounts!"

 

Alison: "Anyway, Darren, perhaps you should get a job with computers? You're obviously very good at it."
Bob: "Thank you, Alison. That was very thoughtful and nice."
Alison: "Well, I meant it."
Darren: "Ta Allie."
Alison: "He needs cheering up. He's obviously got a wardrobe full of anoraks."
Bob: "Yes, now you've gone and spoilt it."

 

David: "Tell me Colin, is it me or are you slightly simple? This hair of yours, is there any hope or are you stuck for life?"

 

Dick: "Ah Colin! How was your first taste of client schmoozing? Trust you impressed him?"
Colin: "We hit him with a golf bag. We ran over and jumped up and down on him like mad people!"
Dick: "So you didn't get the business then?"

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

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