++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: COUPLING SERIES TWO ::

 

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THE MAN WITH TWO LEGS

 

Sally: "Well, he's significantly taller than my last two boyfriends and he doesn't have a wife or a prison record."
Susan: "I'm so proud of you."
Sally: "He's kind and considerate, but I still wanna have sex with him!"

 

Jane: "Why do you criticise him?"
Sally: "He's a man. He's a whole exciting buffet of improvability. I hardly know where to start. Hair. Clothes. His mother."
Jane: "You shouldn't try to change men because they don't like it."
Sally: "Then what's the point in having one?"

 

Susan: "Sally, you can't keep lying about your boyfriends."
Sally: "But I can't end up with a butcher. Have you seen butcher's wives? They're gigantic. I'll develop a deep, booming laugh and rows and rows of extra breasts. I can't let that happen to me!"

 

MY DINNER IN HELL

 

 

Sally: "Men can't be allowed solo access to their erections. They're not like us, they've only got so many goes in them per day."

 

Jane: "Fern Britton!"
Sally: "Sorry?"
Jane: "That's yours, Fern Britton."
Sally: "Why Fern?"
Jane: "Assertive, intelligent, successful woman but with a larger bottom than you!"
Sally: "You're good."

 

HER BEST FRIEND'S BOTTOM

 

 

Sally: "You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is like living with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men while we're looking the other way."

Susan: "Ok, so Steve saw your bottom, so what?"
Sally: "So, my relationship with your boyfriend has been thrown completely off balance by the weight of my bottom. Can I please re-phrase that?"

 

Sally: "Oh I like a man you can kick out of bed and he'll do things around the house. Means there's a point, well, to the rest of him."

 

Sally: "My bottom is not expanding space jelly! I'm just big-boned."

 

Sally: "As Susan's best friend, I am to you a bit like Australia."
Steve: "Australia?"
Sally: "Very distant, largely uninhabitable and with areas of great danger."

 

 

THE MELTY MAN COMETH

 

Sally: "How can I not take it personally? This is Patrick we're talking about. Permanently ready Patrick. It's like a shelf, you could keep books on it. Until, of course, Sally gets her kit off, when for the first time in living memory, Patrick's blood supply gets as far as his brain."

 

Sally: "Do you think I've just passed on to a whole new level and I'm now actually repulsive?"
Susan: "Don't be silly!"
Sally: "It's my neck isn't it? I've got my mother's neck, I noticed it yesterday. I'm only 30 and I've got a neck that can remember D-day!"

 

Sally: "Right, so that's it then. You just don't fancy me?"
Patrick: "I like you as a person."
Sally: "I don't need you to think of me as a person, I have women for that!"

 

JANE AND THE TRUTH SNAKE

 

 

Sally: "It is. It's increasing. I've got an increasing face. I've used too much skin nutrient and now my face is actually growing. I'm becoming the incredible flesh monster."
Susan: "The what?"
Sally: "Sorry, I meant my mother."

 

Sally: "Oh my god! It's a penis!"
Jane: "It's not a penis, it's a snake."
Sally: "Snake, penis. What's the difference?"

 

Sally: "That snake is just getting out of hand."
Jane: "Oh and here she is, Sally Harper. "Oh, I look so old today." "Oh, I look so ugly today." Stop your pathetic whining for god's sake!"
Sally:"My god, Susan. I'm being criticised by a talking penis...took me years of counselling to stop having that nightmare."

 

 

 

GOTCHA!

 

Sally: "All the kids got Buzz for Christmas. All those poor Woodys left on the shelf. We are Woodys in the toyshop of romance"

 

Sally: "I keep going to other people's weddings. I'm getting more and more single. If one more friend gets married I'll be a lesbian."

 

Sally: "Did you know your nose keeps growing all your life? If I don't get married soon they're going to have cut a hole in the veil."

 

 


DRESSED

 

Steve: "Did you really go out with this guy?"
Susan: "No idea. You've erased all other men from my memory."
Sally: "Must've taken awhile"

 

Sally: "Steve, we've gotta get over there and you've got to pretend to be my husband. I can't have complete strangers thinking I'm some kind of man repellent psychopath. Bad enough for the people who know me."

 

 

NAKED

 

 

Susan: "Guys, we're trying to organise a party, not a bloke market"
Sally: "Susan, you really are in a relationship now aren't you?"

 

Sally: "You can programme any mans libido by use of the word 'naked'. Just slip it subtly into the conversation every now and then. It's a scientific fact that if you say the word naked 3 or more times to any man, he has to cross his legs."

 

 

END OF THE LINE

 

Sally(to Susan): "There's someone you don't like! Oh, I love it when that happens! Makes you seem like a person."

 

Sally: "We drove around Australia ten years ago remember?"
Susan: "Yeah, I remember who was in the driving seat for the whole trip."
Sally: "Your ovaries"
Susan: "She's exaggerating"
Sally: "We always knew it was time to skip town when a bar was named after her."

 

Jane: "Susan likes Australians?"
Sally: "Her greatest fear is that one day they'll all turn up on her doorstep and grid-lock London."

 

 

 

 

 

 

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