++ GUIDES ++
:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES ONE: COLIN HEALS THE WORLD ::
Originally aired [ ITV 3/10/1995 ]
:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::
Colin wants to do more criminal work. Dick tells him that they prefer civil litigation - "We're fond of paper washed down with frequent glasses of sherry." Darren has collected 10,000 leaflets from the printers, unfortunately he didn't check the phone number before they were printed and it's wrong. Stella tells him he must change them all by hand!
Stella is involved in an amputated finger case. She's having a meeting with Giles Brindley Shearman of Bennett, Onslow, Dumbarton and Huff to sort out a compensation claim for her client and she's expecting a tough battle. Mention of the amputated finger leads Darren and Alison to chat about horrific accidents involving various bits of the body being amputated. Bob turns rather green and orders them to stop. They snigger at him when he asserts that he's in charge here ;)
Colin is at the court handing out his business card to various people there. The first criminal he picks out turns out to be a policeman. His second victim is a beautful woman who seems less than impressed with Colin. She tells him she's there for 'robbing from the rich to give to the poor'. She has no choice but to accept Colin's business card as he puts it in her mouth!
Stella is in conference with Brindley Shearman. He's very dismissive of her case and offers her £8k compensation for her client. Stella is furious, she tells him that her client was a piano teacher - "Have you ever tried to play the piano with nine fingers?!" and demands £40k compensation.
Darren and Alison are still exchanging gruesome mutiliation stories, when Colin's new client arrives - it's Jane, the woman from Court. The men are instantly smitten, Alison is annoyed! Colin takes Jane into the conference room to discuss her business, where he discovers she's a prostitute. She'd like Colin to take on her business and she will pay him in kind!
Stella has a phone call from her client, Mr Tidy, she lies and tells him that she's gotten him his £40k even though she was nowhere near an agreement with Brindley Shearman. Stella and Bob talk about the Tidy case. Brindley Shearman offered her £10k in the end, Stella says she will pay the missing £30k herself if she has to. She tells Bob the story of how as a child she wanted to be the best lawyer in the country, Bob consoles her by saying she's the best lawyer in Hounslow!
Colin asks Dick's advice about whether it would be ethical to take payment in kind, say for example if a client offered to pay him in whisky? Dick says that would be fine, as long as he gets the fee as well ;) Bob informs Colin that the firm works only on a fee paying basis and anything else would be unethical. Colin is gutted. Jane arrives and he takes her into the conference room.
Darren is just finishing amending the leaflets, Stella casually informs him that he can throw them away as she managed to persuade the printers it was their mistake. She gets her phone call from Brindley Shearman and takes it in the conference room. Playing hardball she gets her £40k for Mr Tidy and shrieks 'Yes' at the top of her voice. The others thinking that Colin has been lucky charge into the conference room to see what's happened. They all find Jane and Colin behind a screen, Colin has fainted!
:: QUOTES? ::
Colin: "I entered the law so I could help those less fortunate than myself."
Dick: "Did you? What an intriguing idea!"
Alison: "I really hate it when older people use words like 'backside' don't you?"
Alison: "You know when Wayne Bobbit got his thing cut off?"
Bob (sighing): "Oh must we?!"
Alison: "Imagine finding that in the middle of the road. You're walking along...or strolling, and you've got a takeaway or something. Suddenly, it's lying there like a little..."
Bob (interrupting): "Yes, thank you! That's enough about amputation!"
Jane: "Has there been much inbreeding in your family?"
- Colin makes an impression on a potential new client.
Bob: "I'm Bob. I'm the office manager."
Jane: "I'm Jane. I'm a prostitute."
Jane: "I'm a social worker."
Colin: "Excellent!"
Jane: "Except I do it by relieving men sexually for money."
Colin: "Is your social services department comfortable with that?"
:: GALLERY ::
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