++ GUIDES ++

 

 

:: IS IT LEGAL? SERIES ONE: BOB BREAKS IN ::

 

Originally aired [ ITV 17/10/1995 ]

 

:: WHAT HAPPENS? ::

 

Stella, Colin, Dick and Alison are in the conference room. Dick is boring everyone with tales and photos of his new boat - he was going to call her 'Windy Lady' but opted for 'Moist Princess' instead. Stella has an important meeting with a client, Belinda Foulkes. She warns Colin not to upset her and mix her up with the cleaning lady like he did last time. Stella also asks Alison to stop leading Darren on, she's worried about him. Colins says that Darren is at a very vulnerable age which he remembers only too well. To try and keep Colin out of trouble, Stella gives him the role of staff counsellor. Bob finally arrives, he's unshaven and wearing yesterday's clothes. The meeting ends.

 

In the office Darren is following Alison around. She tells him that he can wash the wheels of her car if he wants. He runs off happy. Stella calls Bob into her office. He tells her he's sleeping in the car because his wife has thrown him out because she suspects he's having an affair. "Apparently I called out baps several times in my sleep." Stella asks if he knows where Dick got the money from to buy his boat, and did he bring the Brian Whigg papers as she needs them.

 

Darren is back from cleaning Alison's car and he wants to know if he gets anything for his trouble. She offers him her hand to kiss. He does, but then makes a desperate lunge at her! She slaps him, chastises him and he goes off happy again! Colin tells her she could've handled that differently, Alison snorts derisively. Bob is on the phone trying to get in touch with his wife. He's left the Whigg papers at the house and as she's changed the locks he can't get back in. She won't talk to him.

 

Colin goes to see Darren in his role as staff counsellor. He tries to let Darren down gently about his prospects with Alison but Darren is oblivious. Colin thinks that Darren should regard Alison as an older sister type figure. Back in the office, Colin talks to Alison and asks her to handle Darren with 'firmness and sensitivity.' Darren has brought Alison a tape he's done for her of the best of rap music. Looking to Colin, Alison tells Darren that she'd rather listen to two goats squealing in a bag and that he's boring. She bins the tape telling Darren that she's sorry to be so firm. Darren leaves heartbroken. Colin reminds Alison that he asked her to sensitive, but Alison responsds that she can't remember everything and it's his fault, Darren was happy as her slave!

 

Bob is trying to break into his own house to get the Whigg papers. He eventually gets in through an upstairs window.Remembering that he can't unlock the front door, he has to get out the way he went in - this time he falls through the roof of the porch as he climbs out of the window.

 

Dick is in his office reading a book about knots. Stella is there to question him about how he got the money for his boat. He tries the excuse that his Uncle Scott has died and left him the money, but Stella saw Uncle Scott going into Boots on saturday. It eventually comes out that he's borrowed the money, £34k, from Belinda Foulkes' account. Stella is furious. That must be what Mrs Foulkes wants to see her about, she tells Dick that he's to have the money back in the account by lunchtime.

 

Darren is swigging out of a sherry bottle, Colin is trying to 'counsel' him but Darren isn't listening, he's drunkenly singing the Elvis Costello song 'Alison'. Dick arrives to take Colin to his office for a chat. He wants Colin to buy his boat, but it would seem Colin isn't quite as daft as he appears. Dick wants £50k and to be able to use the boat at weekends. Colin offers him £34k and he can't use the boat at all. Dick has to accept. He gives Stella Colin's cheque just as Mrs Foulkes arrives. Stella learns that Mrs Foulkes didn't realise how much money she had in the firm's safe deposit and wants to change her will accordingly. Before they can leave the office to go for lunch, Bob staggers in with Stella's papers, Dick runs into the office exclaiming that his uncle's dead and ripping up Colin's cheque and Colin is still wearing his paper hat. Mrs Foulkes wonders if there are any more staff she should worry about. Darren staggers into the office, declaring his love for Alison and then throws up in her lap. Mrs Foulkes leaves, taking her money with her. Colin asks: "Staff counselling anyone?"

 

 

:: QUOTES? ::

 

"She was under me and I felt her respond with an orgasmic shudder and it was as though I'd never really been alive before."

- Dick talking about his new boat.

 

Stella: "Dick, are you too obsessed to realise you sound like a squalid old whippet?"
Alison: "Can't do whippet. Shall I put greyhound?"

 

Stella: "Alison, I'm worried about Darren, will you stop leading him on?"
Alison: "I'm not!"
Stella: "You don't call bringing in your underwear and making him iron it leading him on?"
Alison: "He enjoys doing it."
Stella: "He cycled in with his mother's ironing board strapped to his back, I've never seen anything so sad in my life!"

 

Stella: "Any messages Darren? (he hands her a piece of paper) No, this is your doodle of you grinning as you force a large franking machine into my body."

 

Dick: "Isn't that my sherry?"
Darren: "Yeah, what's it to you, you smug tosser!"

 

:: GALLERY ::

 

 

 

 

 

 

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